Brad, The Underwhelmingly Inept GhostBrad, The Underwhelmingly Inept Ghost


“Fuck, I should have known better,” Ella muttered under her breath, reaching for the bag of breakfast cereals, “than to—Argh!—let a ghost have his way with me.” She slammed the door of the cupboard with determined frustration. “And a desperate incapable virgin at that!”“Hey, I heard that!” came a disembodied voice from inside the refrigerator she was opening to find the disembodied head of her latest sexual escapade, looking at her with the puppy-eyed face of a rejected teenager—close to tears.Ella rolled her eyes at the old trick she had gotten all too used to. Putting up her best impression of the typical B-movie trailer narrator, “Oh, how original: the old severed-head-in-the-fridge now with the extra features crybaby face and whining. Ugh!”Milk in hand, she closed the fridge, making sure to make a point by shutting the door into his face that seemed indecisive whether it should be pouting or just theatrically trembling with the bottom lip. His nose comically protruded through the fridge door once the suction of the rubber had sealed it shut.She turned around and… “Fuuuck!” She leapt up in her jumpscare over the sight of the translucent headless body standing right behind her, the wound on its neck where once his head had rested gushing with a blueish, equally transparent æthereal liquid splashing right through her before fainting into the void. The bottle of milk landed on the floor, spilling the valuable liquid over the somewhat anachronic Bauhaus tiles.“Damn you, asshole,” she cursed.“’Not original’,” the muffled voice still came from the fridge, the protruding point of the nose moving along with his words while the fingers of the headless body drew quotation marks in the air. To the distinct theremin timbre came the characteristic note of a miffed male.Having regained the least bit of her composure, Ella nonchalantly replied, “You know it would be scarier if, at least, you got the color of the blood right,” an unmistakably spiteful undertone. “And you know full well jumpscares don’t count. If a comedian tickles his audience, he’s not funny either although, technically, they were laughing.”The beheaded body still spraying ectoplasm everywhere clumsily reached through the fridge door to collect its head, missing it on the first few attempts.Ella rolled her eyes at the pathetic display of gaucheness.“To think when I signed the contract that said, ‘Caution: haunted’ in the small print and I seriously fell for the foolish idea that I’d be beleaguered by the well-sung nineteenth-century poet named Sir Arthur Cunningham or whatever who hung himself over getting rejected by the farmer’s maid and whose mythical legend was passed on through the generations dwelling in this humble abode, but, no, it had to be a goofy idiot whose sole remotely legendary trait is the way he died: tripped, fell with his neck on the window frame and severed his head when the window slid down. Ugh! And that name! Your parents could have at least had the decency to call you Bradley but, no, just Brad it is. That’s not even a real name.”A large part of her annoyance was directed at the fact that the socks she was wearing gave formidable sponges for the spilled milk.The ghost named Brad made a pitiful impression, not only as a reaction to Ella’s casino siteleri crude insults to things he had little influence on but also because he had mounted his head on the wrong way, now missing to make a point with his crossed arms and pouty face looking in different directions.“Aw, stop looking at me like that,” Ella frowned. “You know I can’t stay mad at you if you give me that look.”Victoriously, Brad fixed his head and adjusted its orientation. “Now will you admit that you had some fun yesterday?” he pressed on, his ghostly voice not quite on spot—with his merely half-decade of haunting the frequently changing tenants, he was a rookie in the business, after all, compared to the legendary ghosts that could be heard in the halls of the Scottish castles. “I mean you came… That’s gotta count for something, right?”Ella pinched the root of her nose and squinted her eyes as if she was bracing herself for a major migraine attack. “You’re such a virgin!” she crabbed and waited for his reply just to cut him off before he could even finish his protesting ‘Hey!’ “Yes, I came… a little but only because you basically cramped me to that orgasm while using my body as a vessel. I only came because you primarily got yourself off and we shared the experience. Frankly, it was too much, too quick, typical virgin dude. A girl needs a slope in the approach. More build-up, take your time, aim for the highest possible climax, not just some frantic and uncoordinated rubbing and thrusting. Zero patience. Seriously, you were no good!”Ella rolled her eyes at Brad’s renewed demonstration of his prominent bottom lip.“You did die a virgin, didn’t you?”Brad shrugged, gaze to the floor, his blueish translucent body blushing through a palette of purplish shades, almost vanishing to the unaided eye. He would have preferred blue-shifting his color into the ultraviolet spectrum, thus literally vanishing but this neat trick was reserved for poltergeists who had suffered a far crueler fate and were cursed to reduce stereotypical blond bimbos into minced meat in cheesy movies. At least their pay was decent. Also, it required a substantial amount of wrath which Brad simply did not possess. Poor Brad was condemned to roam the tight confinement of the apartment where he had met his demise until fulfillment of his most eager wish.At his silent confession, Ella felt pity for the young, bumbling ghost. “Poor you,” she mouthed, reaching out to cup his cheek, briefly forgetting he was not a material apparition.To her surprise, however, she felt a warm solid, yet soft resistance with just a hint of stubble against her hand and the familiar feeling of another hand touching hers.She inhaled, partly in shock, partly in excited surprise. Her heart fluttering with butterflies, she looked at his half-materialized face, observing the continuous gradient from transparent blueish to impenetrably skin-colored, one eye monotonously ghost-colored, the other deep turquoise like she had never seen.Lost in the view, she ever so slowly placed her other hand on his immaterial cheek too, now making his face look more symmetrical with the flesh returning to existence on his right side as well, forming two conjoined circles of healthy-looking güvenilir casino skin.Hesitantly, she moved closer, her eyes unsteadily trying to make out where the fringe of the circles turned to the æthereal specter-blue. His lips were still bereft of material existence when she tentatively planted hers on them, feeling how his soft pout snapped into existence at her contact. He kissed her back gently.Parting again, she observed, with great fascination, a thin thread of the immaterial ectoplasm clinging between them, getting thinner as she slightly moved away and finally snapping back to his lips, creating a ripple of waves over his face like a drop of water falling into a glass.Brad looked back at her, his face turning translucent again as she removed her hands. Longing for her touch, he reached out to take her face into his hands too but passed right through her, sending his deathly chill through her body.He tried again with the same result, and again, and again, and again, growing more desperate with each try.“How did you do that?” he asked on the brink of his tears from getting denied the touch he had yearned for for years.“I just really wanted to touch you,” she explained. “I felt bad for you and wanted to cheer you up.”“Compassion…” Brad mumbled. He exclaimed, “That’s what I’ve trying to feel my entire life: love!”Moved by his longing, Ella whispered, “Touch me again, Brad.”He tried again but this time, she caught his hands in mid-air, immediately materializing them and put them on her cheek.“All you ever wanted was to be loved,” she mouthed, a sad smile on her face, and removed her hands from his.He held her face with his hands that remained in this mundane plane of existence. She closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around his spectral body, thereby turning every part she touched into existence.“Love me, Brad. Take me,” came an almost inaudible murmur.“What?” asked Brad, not sure if he had heard right.“Sleep with me,” she repeated, Bambi eyes glistening at his, “before I have second thoughts. Let’s lift this curse.” She took his face in her hands and pulled him in a kiss that emphasized her request beyond any doubt.Taken by surprise, Brad indecisively placed his hands on her boobs. To both his surprise and delight, his hands materialized at the touch of her loose t-shirt. Having expected this as his first move, Ella inched her body closer to his and allowed her lips to part and let her tongue seek his, finding it, against her expectation, enjoyably warm like the rest of his transcending body.Although a bit coarse and awkward, his touch had her softly humming into his mouth, signaling she wanted more. She gave an amused giggle as she noticed she could feel his skin directly on her nipples although they were still covered—a nifty little ghost trick, she thought. Encouraged by her reaction, he allowed himself to softly pinch them, causing her to wince, break the kiss and emanate an audible, albeit low moan.Cheeks flushed, she opened her eyes, biting her bottom lip to find his face searching hers for approval and finding it in her laggardly unbuttoning his shirt. The bloodstains stemming from his unfortunate parting that had, due to having the same hue as the rest of his spectral canlı casino appearance, so far not caught her attention and were now, upon her gentle touch, turning rusty brown, didn’t seem to bother her.She leaned against his bony chest, pressing her ear to it as if trying to hear the absence of his heartbeat. She sighed disappointedly, as she had hoped, against all reason—as far as reason could be applied to this situation—to find a sign of life in him.Seeing her anguish, Brad inhaled deeply and pulled her closer to his chest. She felt him tense up in a major effort. Then, she heard it. It was faint but it was definitely there: a feeble rhythmic thump.She smiled at him, radiant with joy. She pulled his face into a kiss anew, with more ardor this time, tongues wrestling, an overabundance of saliva trickling down her chin while on his face, it turned from a glistening colorless fluid to diaphanous blue and the drop falling from his chin evaporated into the nothingness of his metaphysical dimension.When she broke the kiss, she wore a coy smile with a distinct note of shame in it.“I… I have an… idea,” she began, almost bursting in an abashed girlish giggle and trying to hide her playful expression between her shoulders, searching for courage to utter her kinky confession. “Your head… You can, uh, re… remove it, yes?”“Uh… yeah, sure, here,” replied Brad, placing his hands on hers that were still holding his cheeks.He gave his head a firm twist that separated the head from the shoulders where long ago the heavy window had forcefully made its way through his flesh, thereby prematurely ending Brad’s life.She held it in her hands, marveling at the sight of what seemed to be a live head she was inspecting. Her eyes open wide and refusing to blink, she swallowed while a crimson color rising up her cheeks, giving away what kind of sordid fantasy went through her mind.Taking his head under her left arm, she grabbed the hand of Brad’s beheaded body and, with a determined pace, walked to her bedroom. Standing at her bedside, she turned towards Brad’s body and held his head inches above the neck that splashed his ectoplasm everywhere before it underwent the same fate as his saliva earlier.Gathering all her courage, she asked, “Please slip into my body again and hold your head between my legs with one hand so you can eat me while you frig me with my other hand,” earning her an inquisitive glance. She added, “Trust me.”Brad tried to nod eagerly which looked rather amusing with the stump of his neck moving on his body while the head remained in its hovering position Ella held it in. With every forward motion of the stump, a splash of ectoplasmic blood flew through Ella’s face before disappearing from this plane of existence.“Oh! Shit! Sorry, I forgot!” Brad’s severed head hastily apologized, making Ella laugh over his clumsiness she was growing increasingly fond of.She put Brad’s head on the bed facing her way so he would have an unobstructed view of her. Ashamed, he gave his best three-second shot at looking away, cheeks turning to æthereal purple as she began to put on a brief show for him, seductively swaying her hips as she, lifting the hem of her t-shirt several sizes too wide she was using as a pajama, slowly revealed first the thin panties that had a distinct damp spot, then the curve of her midriff. As a traditionally bra-less sleeper, she turned around, letting her tight booty bounce as the bare back gave away the lack of confinement for her pert breasts to his eyes now as well.

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