“Boy, look what you done to your mama!” While Mama stood there sobbing, Daddy stomped towards me and grabbed a fistful of my shirt, yanking me towards him. “You and me gonna go spend some time in the shed,” he spat in my face.
But, I wasn’t a little boy anymore. I twisted his hand away and stood my ground, but my feet struggled not to run.
“Daddy, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m quite a bit bigger than you now and I ain’t going to the woodshed ever again.” I put my palm on his chest and gave him a decent shove back a foot or two.
“Boy, I don’t know who you think you’re talkin’ to!” he growled, yanking me again, jerking me within an inch from his face.
I grabbed his wrists twisting in my shirt again. “You better stop, Daddy, before I hurt more than your stubborn pride!”
I’d never seen his face scrunch up in rage like that before, but I was determined to stand up to him. Using both hands and my shoulder, I shoved him back, and then things quickly spun out of control. We knocked over a chair pushing and shoving and Mama ran to us screaming, “Stop! Stop, you two!”
Neither of us wanted to hurt her and managed to pull back, huffing and puffing. I stood there looking back and forth between them, shaking my head in frustration. I had lived my whole life with them, but now…
Daddy threatened me through gritted teeth. “No boy of mine’s gonna…”
He couldn’t even finish saying it and looked away from me in disgust.
“Oh dear Lord, where did we go wrong?” Mama clasped her hands, wringing them together in sorrow. She stared up at the kitchen ceiling (where God apparently lived) and sobbed uncontrollably. Then, she looked at me with true pain in her eyes. “Nathan, it’s just not right. The Bible–“
I finished her sentence. “The Bible says not to judge, Mama. God lovesall his children.”
Mama fixated on the ceiling again, praying out loud for the Lord to save my soul. Not a lot of things had hurt me like that did.
With tears clouding my eyes, I said, “Mama, if you wanna talk to God, well, he’s right here beside me, so no use you looking up right now.”
Daddy took a step forward making a fist. “Boy–“
I blocked him with a chair. “Y’all aren’t listening!” I pushed past Daddy and turned at the door to make them a promise. “I’m not coming back until y’all accept me — all of me!”
With a heavy heart, I let the door to everything I had known slam shut behind me.
xxXxx
That summed up my parents. Mama thought God was the answer; Daddy thought it was a whoopin’ in the woodshed.
After my fight with Mama and Daddy, I climbed up into my Ford pickup and started driving with nowhere in mind. The good thing about the country is there are plenty of back roads to drive and think. No stoplights out here to interrupt my thoughts. Before I knew it, I had driven miles from home. I finally pulled off to the side of the road, overlooking a pond. Jesus, how did things get to this?
I thought back to my childhood. Being raised on a farm was great. Smiling through my tears now, I remembered loving taking care of the animals, riding the tractor with Daddy, having a field to run free. Me and some other farm kids spent our summers frog gigging, fishing, and climbing trees. I never thought about life any other way. Most families went to the Baptist Church down the road on Sundays. I loved church cause it meant no farm work that day. When the weather was nice, our church had lots of picnics and games. Yeah, I enjoyed my childhood on the farm. Of that I was sure.
Everything was fine until it was time to go to high school. In ways I could never have predicted, my eyes were opened to the rest of the world — and I wanted to know more.
As a small farming community, we didn’t have a high school, so I attended the school in the city. Boy, did I feel like a fish outta water. Just a handful of us farm kids were new students, as most of the other city kids had come up the ranks together. Luckily, I found football and that secured me a place in the school. Turned out, I was a natural. Raised on farm chores like bailing hay, shoveling manure, and such had made me strong — strong like I mowed over other guys on the football field without too much effort. After a few practices, Coach plucked me out of the Freshman team for Varsity backup nose guard.
Things went pretty well until my junior year. After some sleepovers with other kids, I learned about this whole other world outside of the farm. I hadn’t watched much television as a kid. Up before dawn doing chores, school, chores after school, dinner, then to bed early had been my life. Television, particularly cable, educated me on many things. The appeal of the farm was going out the window, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a farmer like Daddy.
Then, there came girls. And I had no interest in them. None. We were friends, but I had no urge to kiss them. I didn’t think much about it until I saw my first sex scenes on cable tv at a friend’s house. He was drooling over the girl and I couldn’t rus escort rip my eyeballs from the guy. It was then I knew I was different. And I didn’t know a lot of things about life, but I knew it wasn’t alright to most people for me to like guys. Somehow though, I hoped Mama and Daddy loved me enough it wouldn’t matter.
It was hard keeping that secret, so one day, I decided to test the waters with Mama. Looking back, I think I was pretty clever in my approach. I figured Mama would get the words confused, and wanted to see her reaction. But, I had an out, if it didn’t go over well.
I walked into the kitchen where Mama was busy cooking and took a seat at the table. “Mama, I kinda need to talk to you.” My serious tone caught her attention. I purposely stalled, frowning, like I had really bad news.
“What is it?” Her eyes widened as panic set it. “You in trouble? Get some girl in trouble? I told you girls–“
“Mama! No! Nobody’s in trouble. Just listen, okay?”
She sucked in a loud breath and stopped stirring in her pot. Her knuckles turned white clasping the cross always hanging around her neck. “I’m listening.”
“I… well… I… I’m a homo sapien.”
Without missing a beat, she shrieked, “Nooooo! Oh my sweet Jesus, no!”
“I am, Mama.”
“But… but… you play football!” Her head shook back and forth in distress.
Daddy turned the corner, looked at Mama’s commotion, and grumbled at us. “What’s all this hollering about, Carol?”
“He’s… he’s…” She pointed her finger at me. “A homo sapien!”
I looked at Daddy and smirked. “I don’t know why she’s so upset about that, Daddy.”
“Carol! A homo sapien is a human being!”
Mama shook her head in confusion. “You mean… you mean… you aren’t you know…?”
I laughed, but carefully avoided directly answering her. “As I said, Mama, I’m a homo sapien.”
Daddy slapped me hard upside my head, “Boy, why you go confusing your Mama like that? That ain’t funny.”
I smiled, “Sorry, Mama, just teasin’ with ya.”
Mama said a quick, “Thank you, Lord,” while Daddy shot me a warning look. “We better not have any queers in this house!”
And with that threat, I got up from the table and headed outside to mow. It was a successful test, showing me I can’t ever — and I mean ever — tell my parents I am gay.
So, I carried on the rest of the year trying my best to pretend I wasn’t gay. It worked for a while.
My senior year, my feelings towards other guys came roaring back during football season. Maybe it was all the naked, sweaty bodies in the locker room or maybe it was all the touching and tackling on the field. Not sure. But, I knew I couldn’t be gay at my school. Worrying constantly about hiding my feelings made me miserable. Ever try to crawl outta your own skin? You can’t… and it sucks.
After Christmas break, football spring training started. Some seniors always helped the younger classes. I was one who volunteered. Surprisingly, Coach brought in a real conditioning coach this year. He thought our stamina wasn’t what it should have been last season. As soon as I saw him, I knew I was in trouble. Michael was his name and he was hot! I could tell he was older which drew me to him even more.
Things went south from the get-go. I couldn’t make eye contact with him. I was so self-conscious, fearing others knew I was turned on by him. It grated on my nerves and I reached my breaking point the second week of training.
“Hey, Nate, you coming?” Scott called over his shoulder.
“Nah, y’all go ahead. I’m gonna catch a shower before I head out.”
“Okay. See ya tomorrow.”
He was the last to leave and I was relieved to finally be alone. I took my sweaty clothes off and headed for the shower, hoping to get him outta my head. A shaky hand turned on the faucet. Dang, what’s wrong with me? My stomach was churning. Pictures of him squatting, lifting, muscles bulging wouldn’t leave my mind no matter how hard I tried to think of something else. Facing the water stream, I dunked my head under, trying to wash away the thoughts. But, they stayed there — firmly rooted in my brain.
“Dang it!” I punched the wall until my knuckles were screaming and then the tears came. Standing in the water sobbing like a baby, I felt shame. What would Daddy do if he could see his boy now? I’ll tell ya what he’d do… he’d beat my ass for acting like a sissy. “Boys don’t cry!” he’d yelled a million times.
“Nate …”
My head snapped around to see Michael standing there naked, holding a towel. Oh, Jesus! I turned off the water, but couldn’t turn back around. I heard his feet padding on the wet tiled floor, coming up behind me. No way I could turn around. Then, I felt his hand on my wet shoulder.
“You okay, Nate?”
Without turning, I whispered into the wall, unable to stop crying. “No. Nothin’ is okay.”
He turned me by my shoulder and without a word pulled me against him. Like a lil kid, I buried my yenimahalle escort face in his neck and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more. My whole body was shaking.
One of his hands cupped the back of my head and he whispered in my ear, “It is going to be okay, Nate. Just talk to me.” He hugged me tighter. “You can talk to me.”
My arms had been stiff by my sides but now rose to wrap around him. I’m not sure how long we stood like this, naked, hugging. Finally, it seemed I had gotten it all out of my system and I pulled away from him. His kind eyes met mine.
“You won’t understand,” I said, shaking my head.
“Are you gay?”
Fuck! I didn’t usually cuss, but my head was filled with nothing but cuss words at this moment. I kept my head down and couldn’t answer.
“Nate, look at me.” After I forced my eyes back up he continued, “Are you gay?”
“Someone might come in.” I was suddenly very afraid of one of the guys catching me like this with Michael.
“I didn’t know anyone was still in here, so I locked the door to shower in peace. No one is coming in here.”
“So, what? Is it that obvious? Does everyone think I’m gay?”
“I doubt it, Nate. Probably only me… because I’m gay too.”
I felt surprised then relieved. Enormous relief. Relief as big as a monster truck. This guy I had been spurting over in my dreams for the last week was gay too.
“So, no one knows you’re gay?” Michael asked even though I think he already knew the answer.
“Nope. I’m still alive aren’t I?”
He glanced down at my cock that had hardened while we were talking. “Yes, from the looks of it you are very much still alive.”
I laughed and he pulled me against him for another quick hug. That was the first moment I felt a hard dick rub my own. And it felt incredible!
“Let me guess, Nate. Your parents wouldn’t approve.”
“Well, Mama would hire an exorcist to rid me of the devil and Daddy would try to beat the gayness out of me. Does that answer your question?”
He frowned. “That’s awful, Nate. Really awful.” Taking a step closer to me again, he asked, “Are you ashamed of being gay?”
What a question. Wasn’t everyone? That’s what I was taught anyway. I just answered, “Kinda.”
“Hmmm. Well, I’m not one who thinks anyone should be ashamed of who they like or love. I can only imagine what torture you’ve been putting yourself through trying to hide it.”
“You have no idea.”
We stood there, me naked, him in his towel around his waist, for what seemed like forever. I certainly didn’t know what to say. He was eyeing me pretty hard. I guess he was trying to figure out what to say next. At least I had stopped crying like a baby.
“Hey, so, what are you doing tonight?”
“Nothing.” That casual question wasn’t really expected.
“Why don’t you come over to my apartment and we can hang out, pick up a pizza, watch a movie, talk. What do you say?”
“I say… what time and I’m there.” I smiled at him and he smiled back, giving me actual goosebumps. Silly, I know, but it was true.
“Great! Now you finish your shower and I’ll take mine and then you can follow me to my place.”
I felt a little nervous and I guess he could tell so he reached around and turned my shower back on and then turned on the showerhead next to mine. I couldn’t help but look down as his cock now sticking straight out. All I had to do was reach out and I could have touched it, but I didn’t.
Apparently, he noticed. “You can look, Nate. Because I will be looking right back,” he said then dipped his head into the water stream.
Smiling, I grabbed my soap and continued my shower. We both ended up sudsing our cocks at the same time and it was one of the most intense moments of my life. I couldn’t stop staring at his hand stroking his cock and wishing it was mine he was stroking. Don’t know if he was staring at my cock or not, but I hoped he was.
“You excited, Nate?” he asked without looking at me.
“Yeah, I’m pretty excited,” I answered without looking at him.
“Want to try something with me?”
“Ummm…” I wasn’t sure what he was about to suggest and looked over at him this time.
“Not sex. Well, not penetration anyway.” He reached out and pulled me to himby my cock! His hands reached around and pulled me tighter against him till our cocks rubbed. Oh my word, never felt anything like this before. I didn’t know what to do with my hands but finally rested them on his shoulders. Looking down was a sight I wouldn’t soon forget. His cock was just a little bit longer than mine, but mine was fatter. Dark curly hair circled his cock base, while my hair was lighter. His hands double fisting our cocks, rubbing them together was unreal!
Dang, his hands felt good, especially when he pushed our heads together, slapped his cock against mine. Then he did something even I ain’t never done. One of his hands reached further down and cupped my balls. Not hard, just gentle-like. Anything prior that touched my balls had ended with me on my knees talking in a high voice, but this was a very different thing.
Our mouths were inches from each other but we didn’t kiss.
“Feel good, Nate?” he panted.
“Yeah, really good.”
I tried to hold his eye contact but kept breaking to watch what he was doing to our cocks. Without thought, I found myself thrusting against him, trying to rub our cocks harder, faster. We were both hard as rocks now and dripping from our heads. He reached for my hand and guided it down to our cocks. I will never forget what it felt like to feel his heat and hardness for the first time. Wrapping my hand around his cock, I fully explored him. Stroking that bulging vein and palming his head. But, I needed my cock on his again. His hand joined mine and together we resumed rubbing our lengths together. The shower mostly drowned out our groaning, but not quite. Thoughts flew from my head and there were just our cocks massaging each other, hands squeezing, then…
“Michael! I’m… I’m gonna–“
Michael pointed my cock at his stomach just in time for me to shoot. Oh, Jesus! He stroked me from base to tip until I had emptied myself. Looking down, I couldn’t believe the mess I’d made. My cum covered his belly up to his chest.
As I was struggling to come back down to Earth and comprehend what had just happened, he pointed his cock towards himself, and his cum mixed with mine. He grunted too, seemingly feeling good, even if my grunts had been considerably louder. Jesus, that felt incredible!
I didn’t know what to say. He knew I think, and moved us back underneath the water, washing his belly, then giving our cocks a quick scrub.
Say something, you idiot! I had somehow lost my tongue when I came.
He relieved the awkward silence. “Feel good, Nate?” His arms pulled me into a quick guy hug then reached around to shut off the faucets.
“Yup,” was all that came out. I looked down at our hanging dicks and it seemed like a dream — what we’d just done.
“Michael… that was… amazin’,” I finally stuttered.
“For me too, Nate,” he said, pulling me against him again.
He cupped the back of my head and laid it on his broad shoulder. Dang, he’s hot! I hugged him back.
“I never felt anything so good.”
He raised my head and looked into my eyes. “I’ve been wanting to do that since the first time I lay eyes on you.”
I felt my face burn hot, embarrassing, but it happened. “I never thought we’d be standing here like this.”
He smiled at me and I felt some special kind of warmth all over.
“Now let’s go to my place and talk,” he said, tossing me a towel.
xxXxx
Back to reality, I looked down, feeling my cock straining against my jeans. Those memories affected me. Every time I thought of Michael I was affected. My stomach turned flips. A rush of excitement hit me the same as every time I sacked a quarterback in football. Well, not exactly the same, but similar. All I know is I didn’t want to live without those feelings — no matter what it cost me.
Looking out at the peaceful pond settled me some, but I still struggled to get Daddy’s disgusted look outta my head. He was hard on me growing up, but I always thought he loved me and wanted to do what was best for me. It felt darn good when I heard him bragging on me to the farmhands. “Nathan’s the strongest one on the team,” he’d said. “Plows over those quarterbacks like they’re nothin’.”
Me being gay was just a part of the problem. The other part was I didn’t want to be a farmer. I guess Mamma was right to keep me home and away from the rest of the world. One can’t miss what one doesn’t know. Great-granddad, then Granddad, then Daddy had run the farm. Naturally, Daddy expected me to take over one day. At one time, I thought I would, but not anymore. Maybe my being gay would solve that problem for me. Doubtful Daddy wanted me working by his side on the farm now. “No queer better be in my home,” he had said.
I climbed down from the truck and headed for the pond. Settling down underneath a tree, I listened to the frogs’ croakin’ and watched some fish jumpin’. Sunset was coming and there wasn’t a prettier sight on the farm. I wanted to enjoy it since I didn’t know when I’d be back again.
As my eyes stared out at my surroundings, my mind drifted back to Michael and that first night in his apartment.
xxXxx
After our shower experience, we dressed and I followed Michael back to his apartment. He ordered us a pizza and when it came, we sat at his kitchen table and ate and talked. I hadn’t ever felt this comfortable with another guy. There’d always been some kind of tension inside me.
“So, I asked your coach about you, Nate.”
“You did? Why?”
“Well, you were acting so odd around me and I suspected you were gay. I have been out long enough to sense it.” He smiled and squeezed my shoulder. “You made an impression and I wanted to know your story.”
I liked his hand touching me and smiled at him. “So, what did Coach say?”
“He said you were the strongest kid on the team. And not just physically, but mentally as well. He felt he had to make his quarterback captain, but you were a better choice, always uplifting everybody when the chips were down.”