Author’s note: this is by far the longest and most romantic story I’ve ever written. It’s fiction with elements of non-fiction. I didn’t know where it would end up when I started, but it was cathartic to write it so I hope you enjoy.
Trigger warning: sexual assault, rape, nonconsent, cis-het men.
*****
“Congratulations, class of 2016!” Thunderous applause. The rustle of 348 paper-thin polyester gowns as 348 mortarboards are thrown up in the air, golden tassles following like comet tails.
I couldn’t find my own hat so I snagged someone else’s, praying for no lice. Then I shuffle out with my alphabetically-arranged classmates, chattering loudly to each other as we anxiously dispersed to find our families and get out of this gymnasium we hoped never to see again. Or at least, I did.
By the embarrassingly frantic waving and jumping around, my parents were easy to spot. My older brother was standing with them, looking equal parts proud and uncomfortable at the sight of his old high school (with a tinge of embarrassment at my parents’ decidedly un-chill behavior). And even though I’d already seen them and begun making my way toward them, they shouted over the din of 348-ish families reuniting with their new high school graduates: “Rebecca! Rebecca!! Over here sweetie!!” My brother and I exchanged knowing glances.
I finally made it to them, and they threw their arms around me. “Our high school graduate!!” “Congratulations honey!” “Congrats dude.” My little family. Embarrassing as they were, I think it’s ok to be cheesy on graduation day. My mom wasn’t the only misty-eyed one.
“Thanks guys… wow what did you think of Rachel’s speech?”
“Oh my she was wonderful, so eloquent… you didn’t tell us she was valedictorian! That girl is going places.” My dad had always swooned, paternally, over my “smart friend” Rachel. “Why don’t you adopt her!!” I’d shouted on more than one occasion.
“Yeah her speech was pretty good.”
“Eloquently put, Bec,” my brother smirked.
“Shut up.”
“So? What are we waiting for? Let’s see that diploma!” Mom had been high-strung with anticipation all afternoon, but this was… extra.
I pulled out the scroll, undid the ribbon, and unfurled it for their benefit.
“Oh be careful, with it, we should get this framed!”
“We’ll go tomorrow afternoon. It’ll hang right next to Eli’s. Oh, Mark, our kids are growing up too fast!”
“Well it’s too late to return ’em!”
“Well?” I piped in, glancing around at the families making their way out the gymnasium doors and out to the brown patchy school lawn. “Should we get pictures and get some food? I’m starving…”
“Yes of course honey, let’s head out!”
And so I waved goodbye to what had been my home for 4 years, only mildly wistful and majorly relieved to be closing this roller coaster of a chapter of my life. I was growing up, but I still felt like a child… I wondered if that’s how everyone else felt. Unsure, insecure… even broken…
I saw Brian and his family-a tall gangly lot they were- standing and talking about 20 feet away off to my right. Brian, the kid who had cheated on me after a measly week of dating (because I wouldn’t put out), with Becky (he had a thing for Rebeccas, evidently), was looking happy and loved. It made me unspeakably angry to see his mom stroke his hair, his dad with his arm around Brian’s shoulder, coddling their asshole of a son. They’d probably never know how much of an asshole he had been, and still was. As I was about to disappear from view, we made eye contact. He smiled; I smiled back, and flipped him off.
—
Textbook in hand, I walked down to the dining hall, by myself as usual. The dining hall was fairly empty on this Saturday afternoon. It was only the third week of college, but I knew I was the odd one out on my floor. My long curly hair defied order and I didn’t wake up an hour before class to get made up and straighten my hair; the other girls on my floor had quickly grouped up. They were friendly enough, but still didn’t invite me to their Friday night trips down to the frat quad. Guess I made them look bad.
“That’s okay,” Mom cooed over the phone; my textbook unopened, I’d decided on calling home instead. “You’ll find great people, you’re the sweetest girl in the world.” I rolled my eyes. “Besides, you’re not there to make friends, you’re there to study.”
“I know, I know, ughhh…” I groaned. Nothing she said was assuaging my raw bitter loneliness. “I’m gonna finish eating and then go study, okay?”
“Okay sweetie. I love you so much. Come home whenever you need.”
Unable to admit that I was homesick, I found her coddling tone annoying. “Love you too,” I snapped before hanging up. I shoveled the pizza into my mouth, grabbed a coffee to go, and then trudged back up the hill to the dorm.
It was sweltering in C-West building, too old and cheap to install A/C. The hill and the stairs and the early September New England heat wave conspired to make me sweat bullets. I dropped my stuff off in my room and then went to the bathroom. A splash of cool water on my face restored me a bit. I deliberated for a second, orhangazi escort and then decided to take my jeans off too. Dressed just in my gray tank top and black boyshorts, I splashed water on my flushed thighs too. With my pants slung over one arm, I headed back toward my room.
Calvin, my next-door neighbor, was leaving his room just as I was heading toward mine. I half-waved and smiled in greeting as I walked through my doorway, when I heard his voice. “Wait… Rebecca, right?”
I poked my head out. “Yeah that’s me. What’s up Calvin?” I noticed he was shirtless too, evidently too sticky for clothing as well. I couldn’t help but notice his toned but scrawny (and blindingly pale) physique… I guess we were all still filling out.
“Not much, it’s the weekend so I was heading over to Kyle’s room to watch Vikings and drink some beer. Not to brag but he has a Dyson fan in his room…” I let out a chuckle. “What are you up to?” I noticed he quickly but not-so-subtly flicked his eyes over my bare legs every so often; I awkwardly maneuvered myself so I was leaning out of the room, hanging by the doorframe, my legs hidden from view.
“I uh… I was just gonna study. Got my first stats test on Monday.”
“Oh that blows, you in Professor Chandler’s section?”
“Nah, Rosso. The afternoon section.”
“Ah, I gotta take it next semester. Anyways, it’s a Saturday night, you wanna come up to Kyle’s? A bunch of us are gonna chill and watch kung fu movies.”
I hesitated. Beer, boys… I really was ready to put my high school idiocy with Brian behind me, but I’d always been a good girl and I knew what college boys were up to. “Thanks yeah maybe next time, I really should go over this stuff tonight.”
“Alright, maybe next time.” Calvin shrugged with his hands turned upwards, in an “I only have innocent intentions” gesture. He probably did; we were all trying to figure out college and every guy wanted to be the one who brought the chill girl to the party. Maybe I was a ‘chill girl’. Or maybe he picked me based on my legs. “Well see ya around then, Rebecca.”
“See ya!” I ducked into my room and closed the door behind me, breathing a sigh of relief. My roommate was out for the weekend and I had it to myself. For the first time that week I was happy to be alone.
—
I woke up at 7 am; I had no idea when I’d fallen asleep. Vikings was still playing… where on earth had I gotten the idea to watch THAT, I wondered sarcastically. My simultaneous distrust of, and eagerness to please, boys was embarrassing.
I pulled on some shorts, grabbed my toothbrush and my bag, and was about to head to the bathroom when I looked to my left to see Calvin sitting outside his room, about to fall asleep between his arms. He looked up at the sound of my door opening. “Calvin? What are you doing out here?”
“What time is it…”
“It’s 7.”
“Ugh… fuckin… Jared locked me out. He’s in there with some girl and he deadbolted the goddamn door.”
“Really??” I walked over to his door and tried the handle. “Whaddya know, it’s locked.”
“Whaddya know.”
“Um… I’m about to grab some breakfast, if you wanna sleep in our room while I’m out.”
“Honestly I’m so tired… I might take ya up on that. Thank you soooo much.” As he got up I saw the puffiness under his bloodshot eyes; he wasn’t kidding. He was probably a little drunk too. “Which bed is yours?”
“That one.” I motioned to the bottom bunk. “You can turn the fan on, the one on the nightstand.”
“Right I don’t know why it’s still so hot in here…”
“Help yourself to that water bottle.”
“God thank you so much. I’m gonna go pass out so hard…”
I closed the door behind him, then walked down the hall to brush my teeth. I stuck my toothbrush in my bag and made my way down toward the dining hall.
—
By the time I got back, it was after 10. I’d had breakfast, tons of coffee, and a light lunch, all with one meal swipe. The hall was abuzz with activity; the pretty blonde girls were making their way to the showers, Mark and the jock boys were getting ready to go to the dining hall in almost comically coordinated mesh shorts and tees, and every room whose occupants were awake was thrown wide open with fans blowing fresh air into the stuffy space. It was already 80 degrees outside and was sure to get hotter.
I opened my room and flung off my shirt and shorts and tossed them on top of the growing pile of laundry in my walk-in closet. I hadn’t yet figured out how to get my clothes clean; I had maybe 3 days of underwear left. I walked over to my desk to put my bag down when I was startled to hear a rustle coming from my bed. “Jesus!” I yelped. I crossed my arms over my bra, and ran over to the closet.
“Nah… just me…” Calvin said wearily.
“I totally forgot you were here, fuck…” I rummaged around for something to wear.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward… aww don’t be embarrassed…” He was sitting up now, his legs over the side of my bed.
“No worries! Just throwing something on.” Goddamnit, why hadn’t I done laundry? I opted for the sweaty nilüfer escort clothes I’d just tossed in the hamper.
I heard Calvin yawn. “I slept so good. What time is it?”
“Don’t you have your phone?”
“It’s dead dead…”
“I have a charger right there,” I motioned over to the desk as I pulled a shirt over my head.
“I’m sorry, I feel awful about all this.”
“No sweat, you’re my neighbor. Anyways have you checked up on Jared’s situation? Do you want me to?” I didn’t want to be rude and kick him out, but well… he was awake so…
“I’ll go. Youve done enough. Can I hug you? You’re the best goddamn neighbor.” He still sounded groggy.
“Sure,” I agreed.
He walked over and flung his arms around me. At 5’11”, he towered over my petite frame. His pale skin was kind of sticky, and he still smelled a little like beer. He rocked me back and forth a few times in awkward half-sleepy (and probably half-drunk, I now realized) gratitude, then walked out the door with one last “See ya, Becca” delivered over his shoulder.
5 seconds later, he knocked at the door and I greeted him, his phone in my hand. He clicked his tongue and winked as he took the phone and left again.
–
The door opened; I looked up from my textbook and toward the door. I was about to scold Calvin for barging in… but it was my roommate, back from a weekend at home. My heart quickened and I brightened up. “Alex you’re back!” I chirped a little too enthusiastically. I then pulled back to an overcompensatory grunt. “How was home.” Damnit, why couldn’t I get it right…
“It was fine, as usual. Got to see my dog. My parents are a pain as usual.” I looked her up and down; she was wearing leggings and a white t-shirt with some graphic print on it. Her athletic legs looked long and toned, and her clear tanned skin didn’t show a bit of sweat. Her brown hair was slightly messy, but it just looked deliberate on her. On me, it looked a mess. Always. She plunked down her duffel bag and walked over to her desk to grab her water.
Still modulating tone, I added a bit more liveliness to my voice. “Oh yeah? Whose aren’t?”
She laughed a bit, which I took as a good sign. I relaxed a smidge, turning my body toward her and throwing one arm over the back of my chair. *Now* I looked casual. “WELLLL,” she groaned, “they met in high school and did the whole goddamn high school sweetheart thing, groan… and they keep asking me to chop chop get to it. They’re not even like, traditional or anything, but my mom’s all, ‘now’s the time! I want you to have what Dad and I had. Young love is awesome everyone should be exactly like us and did you find a church’ blah blah… fuck off mom. I know my dad just knocked her up during prom and they got married right after cuz they didn’t believe in abortions. Why would she want that for me. It’s so groooossss…” She took a giant gulp from her water bottle.
“Damn, yeah that is disgusting. Not everyone is gonna breed at age 18, thank god… I don’t even think these college boys are dateable…”
“Yeah I mean the boys here are so goddamn hard all the time. They’re just fuckin nasty. Blech!!” She shuddered.
“Well, if you want next weekend you can come party with me, maybe we can meet some. Calvin invited me to hang out with them this weekend but I had to study.”
“Right yeah meet some horny college boys sounds GREAT.” She pulled her sneakers off while standing, tossing them into her closet.
“Heh yeah… wouldn’t hurt to make some friends though…” I was a little hurt by her spurning my invitation, but I had to tell myself not to take it personally.
“Well it’s just the beginning, I don’t know. I’m thinking of trying out for Rugby if you’re interested.”
“Me? Never. Have you seen me sports? I can’t catch a ball if it were rolled to me from 10 feet away.”
“Yeah well it’s not about how good you are, it’s just for fun… tryouts are tomorrow, I’m really hoping to make it. Assuming I can get out of my afternoon class early.”
“I was thinking of trying out for crew, I hear small girls are needed as like coxswains or whatever.”
“Yeah if you like waking up at the asscrack of 5:00 am, it’s great.” She shrugged as she started taking her clothes off. She was unashamed to be naked around me; nor should she be, though I tried not to sneak peeks as she wrapped herself in a towel.
“I need a shower too…” I said. “This heat!”
“Well come along, save some water!”
I guess this was what college was like, I thought as we scrubbed up under the same showerhead in the giant open shower room, talking and bitching about parents. Typical college stuff.
—
Calvin texted me on Monday. “Dinner? It’s the least I can do after you saved me… ;)” I blushed when I read it, after the stat test. I don’t know why. I responded with: “That’s true 🙂 🙂 🙂 just finished exam heading back now”. 4 minutes later: “dominos ok? 6 my room?” “perf” “:D” What the hell, free dinner AND a buddy to eat with. And maybe some validation.
—
Calvin’s door was open when I walked in at 6:10, fashionably late like the laid-back college student I türbanlı escort was, with SO many things to do and people to see…
“Knock knock…”
“Oh hey Rebecca-” he scrambled to pause the TV “-was just watching the Walking Dead. How’d the test go?”
“Ugh… I mean I was probably ready, but it was so boring jesus.”
“Ha! That’s stats for ya. So what do you wanna order?” He’d already pulled the Grubhub tab for Domino’s; I picked a chicken caesar salad and he picked the same, with some breadsticks.
We watched TV, ate food, and made slightly awkward conversation. We were becoming buddies but I wasn’t sure what his vibes were saying; I scooted casually closer to see what he’d do. He put his arm around me.
I knew it, horny boys…
We started making out. I could smell the garlic from the breadsticks on his breath, feel the scrawniness of his arm, the stubble on his beard chafing against my soft face. He pulled me onto his lap to straddle him, and I felt the bulge rise in his sweatpants to nestle between my legs. His touch was tender but uncertain, I started feeling a chill grip my heart and lungs as I wondered what I should do next.
He reached a hand under my shirt, sliding over the skin of my back. I stiffened up, but kept kissing him. As he moved his hand around toward my front, reaching for my breast…
I pulled away. “Alright. Well I-thanks for dinner man, I gotta get back.”
“Uh… are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I smiled, though I felt like crying for no reason at all. “You?”
“Yeah of course. Uh, you sure?”
“Mmhmm!” I eked out in a high-pitched voice. “See ya around!”
I left him dumbfounded, walked into my room, closed the door and started crying. Alex wasn’t there; I wished she was.
—
“Sup R? is everything ok?”
“Yup Calvin we good :D”
“You looked freaked I just wanted to make sure”
“Did you feel pressured or anything”
“I know things got weird but I want u to know I care about u as a friend first. I like u but I wanna be friends with my neighbor savior and we don’t have to do anything”
“??”
I don’t know what possessed me; maybe the loneliness of this place, maybe I was just curious. Whatever the reason, I responded with: “You’re chill too :)”
“Word 🙂 Let’s chill again, wed?”
“Sure thing”
“C ya then!”
—
I liked Calvin, I really did, I told myself. As we walked back from the dining hall eating our ice cream, we had an awesome conversation, and I felt like I never had with that asshole Brian. Calvin was a good listener, smart…
Alex had seemed pissed that I was going on a “date” with him, even just to on-campus dinner. I didn’t know what her deal was… she was probably into Calvin. But she was hooking up with some jock on our floor, so what did she care?
Again, we ended up watching TV in his room. The whole pretext was contrived but what ya gonna do…
We started making out again. I was more into it this time. He took off my shirt. I took off his. The skin-on-skin contact felt nice. He had shut the lights off this time, and he’d popped a mint. I straddled his lap again. He picked me up and carried me over to his bed. His form, though still thin for a man, was so much broader than mine.
I stuck a hand down his pants and felt for his rock-hard package. Stroking it somewhat awkwardly (I didn’t have THAT much experience), I heard him groan. I felt good making him feel good.
He started fingering me. It felt… nice, even as I again felt myself tense up. I guess that’s what it felt like… kinda sad, but kinda good. This was right, right?
He slipped my shorts and underwear off. I slipped his off. We were both naked, his weight on top of me, I felt his teeth sometimes as he kissed me. I tried to pull away a little, tasting blood on my lips.
He reached for a condom. “Wait…” I said. “I’m not sure yet.”
“Really? We’ve gotten this far…” He stroked me tenderly. “You’re really gorgeous you know?” My heart sank. His eyes begged me for something I didn’t want to give… but in that moment something broke in me.
A tear rolled down my cheek. “I’m sorry, it’s just…” I couldn’t put it into words. He’d stopped when I said stop, but I felt empty. I tried. “It would be my first time.”
“Rebecca, you can trust me. I won’t hurt you.” He didn’t put the condom away. He didn’t get up or give me space.
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t move. “Can you just… like… hold me for a bit?” I asked, embarrassed that I asked it. Even though it was so little to ask for.
“Sure, of course.” He obliged.
He held me against his chest, I didn’t know how long. I only realized I was crying when I saw his sparse light brown chest hair matted down with my tears. I collected myself, sighed, then looked in his eyes. I couldn’t explain. I was looking for… I don’t know. Permission. Permission to put my clothes on and leave without retaliation. Without losing the comfort of his friendship. Without rumors or… I don’t know. For a few days I thought I had belonging, but I didn’t. I didn’t want him. But I couldn’t move, even though my heart said *RUN AWAY NOW*. His arm was around me, holding me close. I imagined in my head the act of getting my clothes, if his arm wasn’t there and I could just walk away. If he’d actually given me a choice. In some other world, Rebecca’s thoughts turned into actions.